An End to Struggle…

 

As I continue moving toward the dissolution of self… I realize that all that I had thought was true; in the moments where I have had a foretaste of the end of the personal self was in fact delusion.

I now seem quite stuck.

I feel a great push toward the ultimate release, of shedding the personal self in all its forms…and yet…I recognize, quite acutely, that there is nothing that can be done to pry open that door.

I have brought myself to the edge, positioned myself for the great yawning leap, been more than willing to follow my Beloved Teacher’s example into the void, but now, I understand, that it is a grace that cannot be negotiated.

I have drawn the comparison, once before, of Moses standing just outside the Promised Land and being refused entry.  That is exactly how I feel.  I would not go backwards into the full embrace of the empty illusion of a self, for any reason whatsoever.  Yet I cannot take myself into the “Land of Milk and Honey”, as that final step is not a choice that can be made, but rather is a gift that must be received.

That paradox elicits in me a spark of the desire to return to struggle.

Struggle was the crucible out of which my personality, and illusion of self was born.  I struggled with loneliness, fear, terror, sadness, emptiness, horror, ugliness, lovelessness, self-hatred, self-loathing, and so much more…that it cannot be catalogued.

But behind all of the symptoms was the muscle bound instinct to struggle.

Here…at the door…struggle has all but left my life.  I do not struggle with any aspect of my life. 

I realized just how true that had become, when a helpful elderly woman described for me how I could lose the weight that I carry by doing this thing and that, and how much better my life would be if I lost the weight she saw as a problem.  As I listened to her, I realized that my obesity no longer has meaning for me.  Further, that all the many things I use to struggle with – no longer have meaning for me.

It is just that simple.

My, judged by the outer world, problems hold no meaning for me…

That is the very best thing I could say about the value of becoming willing to surrender the notion of a personal self.  By the world’s standards, I have a good many problems: work that is entirely without creativity, obesity, poverty line income, blooming health issues, no friendships, no family…and none of that…has any meaning for me.  Primarily because I do not struggle against them, with them, or for their demise or change…I merely watch and am aware.

I assume that the true falling away of the personal self, will provide even more release than I am currently enjoying, even more freedom from the horror of living by wanting.  I wish that for myself and for all of humanity…

I will ignore the desire to return to struggle.  I will be patient, silent, still, and unmoving in the face of that desire.  I submit myself to Humility so that I may have the chance to return to full Sanity…and I am forever and always grateful beyond measure.

Adayre R. Miller