The Building of Boats….

Recently, while visiting with a long time friend she asked me to express my understanding of the difference between the New Age concept of “manifesting,” as discussed in sources like The Secret, and the kind of allowing and observance of what is unfolding, by which I choose to live my life.

It was a good question, and one that I wish I had a fluid and capable answer to.

I suppose is it comes down to the difference between Formlessness and Form. In the world of Form you can find an enormous array of teachers, modalities, traditions, pathways, and techniques to help you align yourself with your external goals and desires… and successfully so. There is nothing at all new about this.

In fact there is really, very little difference, between the notions to be found in The Secret, and the traditions and genuflections of the old religions designed to get you into heaven…only the location has changed.

The teachers of Form who populate the spiritual landscape seek to teach you how to get what you want. There is nothing wrong in that, provided you firmly understand that desire is a kind of sleight of hand, a mental misdirection that promotes seeking and searching, and by its very nature… disallows finding and having.

Form is the interplay of the things in the world around us, and the thoughts developing in the world within us….they come, live for a very brief span, and die away. That is a central and immutable feature in the world of Form, and as such, nothing that exists in that world can provide surcease to the restlessness of the egoic mind, and ease the burden that is inherent in being cast out of the Silent source. Like the prodigal son, only the return to source, will restore us to our rightful inheritance and to the formless bounty that was meant for us all the while.

Form is consciousness no longer aware of itself, and thus there is a subtle but very real type of bitterness embedded in everything that you can own, have, acquire, think about, touch, or achieve. So to “manifest” your desires will result, without exception, in some measure of an experience of being ultimately disappointed. If your desires manifest in a really large way, like with Elvis, or Curt Cobain, or Jim Morison, or Howard Hughes, etc. it might end up taking your life. But for the average human being, getting what you think you want will eventually make you merely tired, or sad, or disappointed, or confused, enough to inquire…”is this all there is?”… a most common response, to the discovery that getting what you want will not heal your internal experience of lack. Which is why, not getting what you want may well be preferable…at least with that, you can continue to dream and live in the fantasies of “someday”.

I have lost all interest in the teachings, and teachers of Form. Not that I count them as somehow without value, but rather, because I have fully integrated the awareness that the Forms of Life have no intrinsic importance due to the simple and undeniable fact, that they are entirely fragile. Thus what is manifested today will begin to crumble the moment it presents itself, dissolving even as it is being born…that is the nature of Form, the Buddha called it the impermanence of all things. Even thought forms can dissolve, as easily and as fluidly as they arrive, this is one of the great realizations of being able to stop your thoughts…you can clearly see that they have no reality, and are no more than a passing cloud, briefly obscuring an eternal and shining depth.

Formlessness, on the other hand, is consciousness aware of itself. It is the source of the mind, the heart, the world, and all that manifests. As source, it may be revealed, but can never be sought. It can never be found or grasped, as it is a priori, it is before all-else. The Bible describes it as, “And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the water.” Genesis 1:2.

Formlessness is prior to the “movement of Spirit”, prior to the manifestation of matter, prior to the process of creating, prior to development, prior to any and every form of success that can be imagined or created. Formlessness is the invisible source out of which all visible things are drawn.

Therefore Formlessness satisfies where Form cannot.

To touch the Formless center, even briefly, will change forever your understanding of what is valuable. Success has no relevance in the face of Formlessness, winning is a notion that deserves not even a wink and a nod, in the face of Formlessness… getting, having, owning, wanting, dreaming, manifesting, desiring, all empty vessels in the face of the eternal Formless presence.

I wish I were more poetic in nature, and in the voice I write with, as such, I might be more capable of illuminating the vast depth of Formlessness, the vast satisfaction that comes from its Silent and dark emptiness. It is, quite simply, our authentic home. The dark, quiet depths are not a source of anxiety…but one of bone deep relaxation. The weariness and worry of living in the world of constantly decaying Form can be laid down and sloughed off, in favor of the sweet, loving kindness of Formlessness.

Because I am not poetic enough to clearly translate the nuanced wonder of Formlessness, let me borrow from Antoine De Saint-Exupery… “If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”

Here in Saint-Exupery’s words is the difference between the teachings of Form and the teachings of Formlessness. The teachings of Form, or manifesting – will teach folk – the “how to” of it all, and a boat will be the result. Those teachers will make use of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Folk, or the Four pathways to success, or the listening to your angels guidance to find your greatness, or any other type of step by step process by which you may build and manifest your dreams.

Is building a boat, a bad thing? Of course, not… It is not bad, or wrong, or upsetting any way what-so-ever, it merely is, and forever will be, ultimately unsatisfying.

If someone were to try to convince me that when they achieved whatever it is they thought they wanted, from plastic toys in childhood to vast and complicated achievements in adulthood, that it didn’t leave them wondering what was next, or how to get more, or why the shine eventually came off the apple…I simply would not believe them. Our entire society is built upon the unconscious truth that no-thing can really satisfy, our economy, our religious institutions, our cultural conditioning, our shared communal experience…all of it is, one great machine bent upon seeking and searching for something that can never be found, and thus the search continues and the wheels grind on.

So the building of boats is arguably a perceived necessary activity, and can cause some measure of trouble with respect to resource management, but only becomes truly problematic, when it is stripped from the sacred mystery and we lose the capacity to know it as merely an echo of a much deeper, and more abiding truth.

On the other hand, learning to lean into the “immensity of the sea”, is a thing that can go on for eternity, a thing that will fill up even the greatest sense of lack, a thing that can lift you above all seeming harm and into a consistent state of security and ease, despite your outer circumstances.

The immensity of the sea satisfies absolutely. Emotional hunger, spiritual thirst, constant craving, manic production, and whirling dervish activity, all resolve themselves in its vastness, its quiet depths.

For myself, I am standing on the very edge of the shore, near enough to know its wonder, but not immersed enough to keep the experience constant. At first that caused me sadness and a sense of loss, but now I understand that too, is beyond my control. I have lost all resistance to life, I rarely struggle, I do not seek, I am content, I am grateful beyond measuring…and if, like Moses, I am merely allowed to view the promised land, but not enter into it fully, that too, I am content with.

All of that, and more than can be described, comes out of the Silent, Dark, and Empty waters…before, Spirit moves. Formlessness gives rise to Form, and Form resolves back into Formlessness… this is the endless rhythm of Eternity. To turn one’s attention to the Formless is to restore sanity and to end the search and the struggle that comes from searching for more, or better, or different.

So I suppose I would answer my friend in this way…

…my attention is no longer on the gathering of wood, or the completion of tasks, or the building of ships – those things are necessary and I do them with commitment and care – but my attention, and thus my heart, are focused on the immensity of the sea and the beauty of its depths. I do not fear the formless emptiness, but rather find in it, the home I have earned with a lifetime of resolve.

This is the thing my Teacher taught me to focus my attention upon, and were I to be capable of gifting any single experience to all others that draw breath … it most certainly would be… that they encounter a one such as he, someone who can guide them above the Forms of life, to see clearly its Formless depths.

Once that has been touched, how and in what manner, the forms of life appear has little or no consequence.

I extend this offering to you in the hope that in it, somewhere resides… the echoing sounds of the ever moving depths, that the Formless life you were, prior to this body’s existence will touch you, teach you, love you…hold you.

Adayre R. Miller

11/15/11

photo courtesy of flickr photo sharing and Clint Barnes

What Do You Believe, Grandma…?

Had lunch with my 27-year-old grand daughter recently and she casually asked me "What do you believe Grandma?" A short reference to "angels" had just preceded this question but I think she wanted to know more about what I believe other than simply "angels". Realizing that I have not shared any of the perspective I hold regarding the subject of "beliefs", not to mention the whole subject of non-duality, and knowing it could not be discussed that easily, especially in a crowded restaurant, I gave a very brief and inadequate response that I'm sure confused her and left her not knowing what question should follow that would clarify her confusion. It was left with that. However, I've decided to write a series of "letters" or "articles" on "what I believe about....". Of course, first I have to explain why I don't "believe" in anything. That I either "know it from direct experience" or I recognize it as a conditioned "belief" and I then inquire into where that originates to discover the truth that I've come to know about "beliefs". As you can see, this isn't going to be easy for me to write down, but I feel I owe it to her. She was raised in traditional Christianity and is only now questioning and opening to other perspectives. We love each other deeply so there is value in proceeding cautiously and without any overlay of "convincing" or "teaching”.... only sharing experience. Any comments you have will be welcomed.

I received the above, in the form of an email, several weeks ago. I requested and received permission of the writer to share it with you…and to explore the landscape that it speaks to, in the form of an essay.

My life’s journey, (and many re-writes), got in the way of doing so until now, but I am eager to express the response that this Grandmother’s love and dedication to truth, has brought to her relationship with her grandchild.

I point you first to her very clear understanding of the notion of “beliefs”, I don’t know that I have ever heard it said better…even from my beloved Teacher – (but of course, he was quite enigmatic as his experiences led him to know that teaching non-duality prior to ripening can be dangerous for some folk. Consider, that in Socratic times, a student was required to endure many years of total silence before they were even allowed, to begin participating in lessons.)

Back to her descriptions of beliefs… “Of course, first I have to explain why I don't ‘believe’ in anything. That I either ‘know it from direct experience’ or I recognize it as a conditioned ‘belief’ and I then inquire (into the origins of that), to discover the truth that I've come to know about ‘beliefs’.”

To “know” something by direct experience is to embody the recognition to such a degree that there is no doubt held in the mind or heart. This is the juncture between living/walking the truth of understanding, as opposed to having learned enough about it to turn it into content for the conditioned mind…or more succinctly, a “belief”.

Believing is a very useful and necessary step along the way of unfolding. It is practical and valuable, to trade in the belief that we are without worth, for one that enhances our well-being. There are sadly a great many souls who never make even this small move inward…

But to rest here, is the only loss that truly matters to the world.

The mere activity of “trading up” in our beliefs, may make us personally feel better, but it does nothing at all to heal the rift between the authentic or impersonal self, and the conditioned minds “beliefs” about who we are. In fact, the trade up to a more comfortable set of beliefs, may actually prevent or forestall the quite necessary birthing pains which are occasioned by the revelation, to the individual, of the formless that supports and sources, the world of form.

I recently met, at the writers group I have been participating in, a young woman who is writing a book about her journey from Islam to Mormonism. From her father, and his father, and his father before him…has come down traditions, of deeply held and deeply believed edicts of behavior and customs, that have quite probably lodged themselves in her DNA.

Her words, (at this time in her writing efforts), were not at all capable of conveying the fear and distress, that had to have occasioned such a large decision as trading in the precepts of Islam, for the structure of Mormonism. (Her desire to write may well be driven by the need to explore her still turbulent feelings about the shift in her beliefs, than any native talent for the written word…that said, I admire greatly her courage for taking such a bold and determined step.)

This first step along the path of unfolding the “believing” in one’s life is no small undertaking. For myself, the move from the hell fires of fundamentalist Baptist upbringing, to the “cult and devil worship”…which is how my parents saw it… of the New Age movement, set me up to not only deal with the potential of “ever- lasting-suffering-in-a-lake-of-fire”, but also near constant conflict with my family over my decision to leave the fold. It was a harrowing and very difficult time in my life, and looking back, I am often surprised that I reached escape velocity.

I found great comfort in this new way of believing, and would potentially have rested there for the remainder of my days…had it not been for my Teacher and his living embodiment of the truth of non-duality. To see for myself, the equanimity, poise, amazing assurance, confidence, and the radiance of Impersonal Love, the shear volume of serenity he possessed…allowed me to know without question, that I had not even reached the outer rim of the truth, by merely trading hell fire and brimstone, for “manifesting” and seeking.

There is nothing wrong, at all – even a little bit, with trading in an old set of beliefs for a new one…even though my young Mormon friends trade “up”, from the position of women in Islam to the position of women in Mormonism, does not seem like too much of a distance traveled to me. (But that of course, is none of my business.)

Moving from one set of beliefs to another leaves us still living behind the veil of the imagined and self-created, rather than bravely facing the unknown… naked, new, innocent, and willing.

As such, there is little to no lasting power, to be had in exchanging hell fire and brimstone for manifesting and seeking.

Ken Wilber, one of the acknowledged leaders in the field of consciousness and depth understanding, explores the development of understanding in this quote from his critique of “The Secret”. I bring it to your attention not to discuss The Secret, which I have no interest in, but rather to explore the levels of understanding that a mind can, if it chooses to do the work – and face the necessary fears – develop into as it deepens in self realization and self actualization.

Wilber, “Developmentally, if one uses a scale ranging from archaic to magic to mythic to rational to pluralistic to integral to super-integral, The Secret teaches the magical thought structures that were humanity’s leading edge, several hundred thousand years ago.”

It could be postulated that “beliefs” in general, belong to the magical and mythical stages of consciousness development.

I am often struck, while listening to the beliefs that populate the normal way of living in the mainstream, how magical in quality they are…and more, how intently and with deep fervor the believer can tolerate no deviance from the content of the belief itself.

When I rediscovered my Teacher, I too, was still lost in magical thinking. To my undying gratitude, my Teacher’s presence began to still my mind and allow me to begin releasing the need for all types of magical thinking. As Matthieu Ricard discusses in his most wonderful book, The Monk and the Philosopher, about his teacher…

“In his presence, however, I’d intuitively discovered one of the basic things about the teacher-disciple relationship, putting one’s mind in harmony with that of the teacher. Its called ‘mixing your mind with the teacher’s mind’, the teacher’s mind being wisdom and our mind being confusion. What happens is that by means of that ‘spiritual union’ you pass from confusion to wisdom. This purely contemplative process is one of the key points of Tibetan Buddhist practice.”

In my Teacher’s presence my mind consistently moved from confusion to greater harmony… absent his presence…it was very difficult for me to maintain the slow loosening of illusions, that I was so very focused upon accomplishing. In that stage of my development, I often found myself in opposition to another, as I struggled to hold onto a level of consciousness that travels in the direct face of eons of human conditioning. Namely the belief that Life lies outside us and in the forms around us, rather than in the Formless Emptiness out of which all things source. Traveling from form, to formlessness is a significant journey, fraught with manifold potential pitfalls.

So to return to our Grandmother and her love and interest in protecting her grandchild from spending decades, or even a whole lifetime hiding painfully within the cloak of “believing”, rather than stepping into the freedom of innocence.

In her letter, she takes care to point out the need for caution… “We love each other deeply, so there is value in proceeding cautiously and without any overlay of "convincing" or "teaching" .... only the sharing of experience.”

You cannot convince another, or teach another, to set off in the direction of the Unknown. Not only is that not possible, it is likely not kind…

My Teacher would often say that he had little or no interest in what we stated, but all the attention in the world for our queries. Here is the greatest wisdom… the “Teacher” cannot pursue the student, rather the student must seek out their guide and mentor, with great fidelity and commitment. We must see, feel, intuit, and become capable of discerning the ones, greater (more open) than us, who are reaching behind them to help another up the ladder of consciousness…as opposed to the marketers and sellers who populate the Spiritual landscape today, and are selling a product.

So how can a loving Grandmother, gently guide a beloved one?

Patience, perspective, quietness, creativity, and openness are all needed. Time to unfold, opportunity to investigate, willingness and the courage to allow them to suffer a divided mind without intervention, along with great resolve and determined availability…and even with all of this and more…the opportunity may never come again.

To live naked, in Life’s ever flowing stream of events and subsequent experiences, is to come to a total and complete Trust in the process that each and every soul is traveling in, and through.

Only great Love can occasion such Trust…

So, finally, we can only wait in prepared anticipation for the moment that brings the question, which in turn opens the door, and allows inner radiance to shine upon all who enter.

(The following paragraphs were written many days after the opening portion of this essay, please forgive me if it sounds disjointed, as I continue my exploration of this idea…)

I have been writing, and re-writing this essay for a good long while now…it seems that addressing it’s central premise, which is, can we help another into the realms of the Impersonal without also doing damage to them? I find that I don’t really have a good enough notion to submit, which is I am sure, why this essay has been sitting on my desktop awaiting publication.

For years and years, I would watch my Teacher as someone would contest his assertion that Life is best – when lived free of believing, free of the personal, free of seeking, free of wanting, free of the pursuit of the future, of greatness, of personal power. Without fail, he would listen patiently to their occasionally heated argument, and it seemed to me, he would assess their openness to the exploration of what they feared most… and then would reply or not, based on that assessment. Sometimes he would say nothing at all, in response to their demand. Sometimes he would gently challenge. Occasionally, as with me, he would poke or prod, until my face was aflame and my hair nearly on fire. (I learned in time to not speak up if I couldn’t handle, on that particular day, his effect on me… and by the way, no one else would have judged his responses to me in anyway inflammatory, that was part of his genius).

No matter how intense or direct or deeply revealing his effect on me was, I knew even as I was sitting in the fire of his innocence, that I was being cleansed and was abundantly and deeply grateful for it…

It was quite shocking to me, when the day came, that his presence no longer made me feel like I was burning in the revelations that he occasioned in me… burning with the awareness, that all that I desired was deeply emotionally immature and motivated by self aggrandizement. All the moves that I made to seem important, talented, intelligent, and knowing…were all exposed to me, in his presence, and I felt the fool most of the time.

This is not an experience someone would choose, who wants their “spiritual” teacher to make them “feel good” about themselves. But, I am sure, you have no doubt about how much gratitude and Agape Love I hold for him…so why and how, could a Teacher of non-duality bring about such an unusual circumstance.

It is a union; a Teacher freed of the personal self with a student ready and willing, to be burned free.

It is quite possible to sit with a non-duality Teacher merely, and only, because they make you feel quite safe. Their trust is so absolute that it fills the room, and causes something deep within you to relax…even if you don’t truly desire to embark upon the journey of releasing the personal self.

I am not sure that I have directly explored the notion of when, or if, or how, to express to another the value of the Impersonal Life. I suppose it comes down to the realization that it cannot be expressed in the traditional sense of the word.

My Teacher gave many lessons on the difference between sharable and non-sharable energy. His premise was that to support someone in feeling good about their personal self is a non-sharable energy, and as such can do nothing to move humanity toward greater evolution, or development, or understanding, on the other hand to awaken the Impersonal Life within…is to share an energy that reverberates throughout the entire cosmos. I feel the truth in that, which is why I bend my will to the purification of my own mind and heart, rather than to activities designed to “help” in the world of form.

I do not know if this essay will in any way support a grandmother in pointing out a doorway that her beloved granddaughter may choose to one day walk through. I do know that “sharable” energy is my focus, and toward that end I have written these words…

Adayre R. Miller

10/4/11

photo courtesy of flickr photo sharing and Pro Ganguly to see more to of this artist’s work, please follow this link… http://www.flickr.com/photos/proganguly/5340229929/

Perhaps You Will Join Me…?

A few days ago, I went to a job fair – which is corporate speak for a type of cattle call – in which you get ten minutes of a recruiters time to make your case for employment, against the 500 other people who also showed up that day, people younger than yourself, better looking than yourself, arguably more qualified than yourself.

In those ten minutes I chose to attempt to lie convincingly – that I wanted a telemarketing job – that I would be the right fit, the best choice, the one who would be a smooth cog in their profit machinery.

I haven’t lied well for a very long time now….

I didn’t that day either. When the recruiter asked me why I wanted to work for the company, (when I knew that I didn’t), my answer fell onto the table like a fish out of water and grasping for air, (despite my best efforts – or perhaps it is just that my system has such a strong reaction to lying that it felt that way to me, and yet may have been quite normal to her, I do not know).

It brought forward, into my central line of vision, the process I am currently engaged in. I want a job, period…or more precisely a flow of income. And toward that end, I have applied to be a night turn-down-bed hotel employee, for which, speaking English was a large plus, a cab driver, something that I would quite literally be afraid of doing, a hamburger jockey, and many other odd and ill suited jobs.

In this post-following-my-dream world in which I am living, it doesn’t seem too large a matter what type of work I do… as long as it meets my minimum standards for keeping myself, and my dogs, sheltered, and fed.

I can barely reach back far enough in memory, to a time in which I did not live my life based upon the dream of speaking at the front of a room filled with people, after all, it first entered my consciousness when I was only seventeen years old. Thirty nine years with one focus, one desire, one constant imaginary companion…and should you be shocked by that, and think that surely I would have given up prior to this…you would not be factoring in, the level of will I brought to bear upon the notion.

I always had just enough opportunity, and just enough encouragement to keep the dream alive, and thus to continue to bend my thoughts, and hopes, and wishes, and imaginations, toward that end.

I have, over the years, left a considerable amount of collateral damage in the wake of my fierce will to win at this one driving desire.

The only time I truly succeeded at it, ended with the senior minister quitting her job and leaving the church I was speaking at…and I have often wondered what role I played in that decision.

Back here in Phoenix, I experienced two very strong and often quite painful internally competing energies. My Teacher – whose purity of purpose was so profound – that my continuing desire to be the center of attention, began to be felt as uncomfortable as a hair shirt worn in olden times to chastise and flagellate a sinner into repentance, compared to his deep, abiding, and quite selfless service.

My Teacher’s influence, coupled with a friend who owns a very large spiritually focused school who could at any time have put me in the “front of the room”, but chose not to – no matter how many times I asked her, caused a great deal of raw and demanding growth for me. (Over time, watching her do so for many others…caused me to feel rejected and resentful, and in turn to behave toward her in ways that I am now ashamed of. To her credit she did not run from me, and now, absent my “dream” and its pull on me, our relating is quite harmonious and easy…or at least it is for me.)

I felt, at times, great pain over her decision to reject my request…but now I see the worth of it, in more ways than I can describe.

There seems to me to be a near avalanche of people who want to be the next superstar spiritual advisor, all of them, like I once did, hoping to become the sensation that the world turns to for guidance and direction.

I believe that this egoically driven desire, that found it’s way into my heart 39 years ago, and is now showing up almost every where one looks… is the, as yet, still unrealized and thoroughly un-ripened drive for survival. Which is fueling a coming change in consciousness, without which, it seems clear we may well perish.

For myself, I have a brand new and quite unfamiliar normal to attempt to integrate.

I notice that I feel quite bereft of outer direction. What kind of work to do, where to put my energies, how to make a living, even what kind of hobbies to engage in, all seem to float around unmoored and without coherence.

I know, only one thing – I definitely, do not want another “dream”.

I have come to find the concept a suspect one.

If the very potential of our survival depends upon the development of a consciousness that can reach beyond the egoic concerns of “what about me”, and “how can I get what I want”…(attention, applause, approval)…then seeking a “dream” may well be an impediment to our continuation as a species. After all, it is the felt experience of “me and mine”, that causes us to project that energy out upon the world, and begin to using our great frontal lobe to dominate and destroy the very habitat that supports and enfolds us. We think in terms of “my” self, and “my” body, which is a very tiny step from “my” world, “my” things, “my” success, and “my” rewards.

And all that “my”, runs counter to the demands of survival and harmony with the world around us. We have it exactly backwards. I suspect the world tolerates us, waiting and watching to see if we can grow beyond our need for attention. Waiting to see if we can mature beyond the desire for more, and better, and bigger. If we can’t, she may well scrap us off like a small and irritating bug and continue on with some other developing brain.

We imagine that our will is dominate, we tell ourselves and our children that we can forge our own path, create our own desires, make manifest our wishes…with out the slightest recognition that it simply isn’t true. If for no other reason than the eloquent truth of Oscar Wilde, who said, “the only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting what you want”.

We “win” just enough to keep the dream alive, get just enough encouragement to keep selling the idea that we can manifest what we want, do what we will, own what we choose, and in the doing…defer the pain that we are here to deal with.

I do not mean to imply that our will cannot shape events, our sick and injured world is testament to the reach and capacity of our collective wills. I do mean to imply, going after something just because we desire it…is a very suspect, and quite possibly, dangerous motivation.

But no matter our technological dominance, there has never been a time in recorded history where as a species we felt more adrift, or more despondent…despite the glossy advertising to the contrary. And I, personally feel, that the “dream” we are all so encouraged to pursue may well be playing a large part in the dis-ease we see all around us.

To dream of tomorrow, to spend all of our energies DO-ing so that we may get somewhere other than right here and now, is a dangerous prescription and runs counter to every spiritual and ageless wisdom tradition the world has ever produced.

My personal dream kept morphing into some new and slightly unrecognizable pattern…just enough change to keep me from seeing it clearly, to keep me from seeing the shame of it, the illness in it, and the sadness that surrounds it.

To attempt to build a future, that can never come is a waste of unparalleled proportions. I am saddened and shamed that I spent so much of my precious time, doing exactly that…

As I said, I feel quite rudderless, and not just because I have no income…but much more than that, I have finally matured to the place that I can lay down the hope for a future that has no basis in reality.

If I am to turn down hotel bed sheets, if I end up driving a cab – (not very likely), if I become one of the telemarketers I routinely say no to when they call my home, then I will do so with the greatest commitment I can bring to bear upon the process.

I am done looking to the future for some better outcome. I am going to live in the present, and allow the current to take me where it will. I am going to let go the “me and mine”, and live in the mystery of it all.

No doubt, I will falter and fall occasionally, but I will not fail. I will not fail, because I have finally drawn deeply enough of the courage of the Impersonal Self, to be willing to walk cleanly away from the “me” that has had my life imprisoned for nearly fifty years.

Perhaps you will join me….?

With Great Love,

Adayre R. Miller

10/12/11

photo courtesy of flickr photo sharing and Helga 262 to see more of this artist’s work please follow this link

http://www.flickr.com/photos/britta_585/23746167/

But I Do Know, that the “Future” has Dissolved…

I recently saw a presentation in which a very intelligent gentleman defined well being on a progressive scale; beginning with comfort, rising to contentment, arriving at joy, which gave way to delight, and finally bliss.

I am sure that it was not his intention to suggest that they appear, and are sustained, in a linear fashion… but rather that they have an ascending order in terms of “lightness of Being”, which is, after all, what produces these finer, and ever more refined, states of well being.

In most of the worlds religions traditions, these finer internal states of experience of Being are set forward, into the future, and onto to some form of after-death heaven…but, as you know, I am committed to the esoteric Spiritual understanding, that these attributes of the Impersonal Self, may be experienced in the here and now.

In fact, my Teacher very often stated that the spiritual path had not even begun, until we are contented with our lives. He taught this no doubt, to increase our understanding that the very activity of “spiritual seeking” is the conditioned minds, most seductive and capable form of preventing us from fully dissolving the bondage of that mind, in the grace and light of the current moment.

I remember quite clearly when I first experienced comfort, and it became a sustainable and reliable internal state. In my twenties, when I lived cowering in the fear of being found out as “not good enough” and hid myself behind a series of masks or personas’ that were ever more sophisticated and capable…I thought of myself, then, as a “head on a pole”. I was quite literally so removed from my body, (which is of course, the only reliable indicator of the “here and now” the most basic form of truly functioning Spirituality), that I could not even experience my body. I don’t mean that if I burnt my fingers, that I somehow didn’t feel it…but rather, that my life was lived in such an illusory continuum of fantasy, and the “someday” in which all my dreams would be realized, that I was incapable of deepening into my body’s experience because its location, is always in the here and now. (Which is the reason we have a body in the first place.) Learning to live within its parameters is the surest way to discover the portal to depth understanding, and the freedom that comes from the capacity to open one’s heart to the present moment.

At the time I had a very capable and quite spiritually oriented therapist. She would often ask me “where was I located, in the room?” At first I found that question, to be quite threatening…and was disturbed to discover that when I did as she bid, and looked for my sense of self, I found myself hovering about 8 inches above my right ear.

In time, I finally got inside my body and when “looking” for myself I could be found to be about the size of a hen’s egg in my solar plexus. Over the years I would perform this simple test that she had taught me, and was steeped in wonder at its accuracy. When I would think to inquire as to “where I was”… I could find myself expanding slowly, but with constant forward momentum, until one day I literally popped to the surface of my skin. I had filled out my entire body, no longer a “head on a pole.” I lived free and true inside myself. Great external changes occasioned this journey of grounding myself in my body, the need to compare myself to others… particularly in the arena of physical attraction, dropped away entirely. I stopped wearing make-up except for rare occasions, (there is nothing wrong with make-up, provided it is not a way of hiding the truth from the world, as I had always used it). I stopped reading about, or being the slightest bit interested in, what the rich and famous do with their time…and way too many other marvelous outcomes, which are too great in number to put to paper.

The best thing about that leg of my journey is that I achieved a sustainable and reliable level of “comfort”. A level that abides to this day…

Next came contentment, this one is considerable trickier, as I have just recently discovered.

Contentment cannot be a sustained experience, if there is a future lurking anywhere inside your mind or heart.

I have no doubt that you may take issue with this idea, but as Einstein said, “The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” I cannot speak to the relativity of time that he is addressing; I am not smart enough to do so. But I can speak to an even more illusory system of “future” time, which is the thought – that the future as a coming event – may be shaped in some form which will bring with it our much sought after, and “someday” happiness. I can provide a sure and certain testimony that there is no outer event, that can bring with it happiness…if there is no inner corollary, for the happiness we seek.

To hold the notion that the future will somehow rescue us from the daily events of life is the most widespread illusion that the world has ever known. Its reach is near total, and its grasp is universal. I, personally, have known only one living man who does not believe in a “better tomorrow”. And he stands alone as the benchmark in my pursuit of understanding, and the will to know the truth. (There are of course, a great many others Jesus and Buddha, chief among them – but I am speaking here of seeing it, up close and personal. And for those of you, who may think that I am comparing my Teacher to Jesus and Buddha…please climb down off that pole…I am making no such comparison.)

A better tomorrow is crafted from the wheat and chaff of today’s understanding, if we bring into tomorrow the same consciousness with which today’s experience has been shaped, we will get the same results as have always found us.

Karma is not a thing that comes to us, but rather one that comes from us. The Bible encourages us to build our house upon the rock of understanding, rather than the shifting sands of the hope and promise of a “better tomorrow”.

In my journey toward the light of understanding, I have had glimpses …and even occasional weeks… of joy, delight, and even bliss. They were in direct proportion to my ability to stand still inside myself, and bear witness to the truth of the here and the now.

When I lost my job, a thing I had worked with all my might to prevent, my house once more shifted to sand rather than rock. (Only once before in my life have I studied, applied myself, and dedicated the amount of time, that I gave to those damnable machines and that was my own business which I was deeply inspired by, rather than a complex system of machinery, I really had no hope of truly understanding.)

I wanted to keep my job, very much. Not because I was good at it, or because I liked it, or because I took any measure of pleasure in it … but rather, because I did not want to find myself back here again.

I don’t mind the poverty. I haven’t been in a mall for the purpose of shopping in at least a decade. I don’t really want anything, although, my house could use new flooring, as the carpet can no longer be kept clean of stains it has grown so old. And the roof has developed what is currently a small leak, which may in time become a larger problem than it appears to be now. I would use money, if I had it, in these specific and practical ways…and of course, I would use it to keep my promises to my animals and my sister for their welfare and well-being. That said, it has been a very long time since I yearned for anything that can be purchased with money.

So it is not material need that caused me to want to avoid this old, yet somehow new place. Perhaps I had a premonition that I would have to face, and really deal with, the true end to my belief in a “better tomorrow”.

I came up out of my childhood with a driving and fierce need to be anywhere but where I was… a need so great it nearly took my life, and resolving it demanded of me all of my mother’s prodigious will…which I, gratefully, inherited.

We live in a culture and a current climate that is all but besotted with a “better tomorrow”. It is the American dream, to be sure – a little sullied now, by greed and corruption – but none-the-less, the reason masses of people just three generations ago, swarmed to our shores intent upon creating a better tomorrow.

A better tomorrow is a kind of code for the conditioned mind’s belief that if our circumstances would only change, our lives would be happier, better, richer, more secure, sheltered from the storms of living – or more truthfully, that somehow we will be the exception to the rule – that all that exists will be required to meet the unknown, in the form of physical death.

Please do not misunderstand, my examination of the concept of a “better tomorrow”… does not mean … that if you are hungry you should not plant and harvest corn, (or travel to your local food vendor). Or that if you are thirsty you should not fill a glass, and drink. To take my message to that place is an intense and quite stubborn form of avoidance, and I know you to be wiser than that.

I am speaking of the desires born of the mind. The desire for admiration, approval, applause, and recognition … the desire to be someone, to garner the attention of others, to create a home for the self made illusory mind, in a world filled to the brim with self-made illusory minds.

Einstein also said, “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” There is no greater value that can be brought to a suffering world, than an individual mind freed from the captivity of the fear of the unknown.

A “better tomorrow”… plain and simple, is a child’s wish for personal immortality. Hidden from view, even from the mind that pursues the goals, is the shaking and quaking fear that we do not count. That somehow and in some awful way, we are here alone, traveling to a destination we cannot know, for a purpose we cannot understand, toward an end which cause us to become paralyzed in fear, by the mists that veil from our sight the true end to our lives.

I have learned at every step along this path, that the only worthy action I can take is one of surrender and acceptance, not in the world of external forms … but in the formless world of the interior.

Not long ago, my thoughts stopped, and joy, delight, and bliss were my traveling companions. I thought, and perhaps naively so, that like contentment they were here to stay … but I was wrong.

An old friend once shared with me the Biblical story of the requirement that we not put “new wine, into old skins”. I interpret this Bible analogy to mean, that we cannot expect to sustain life affirming internal experiences, while also grasping onto any form of believing.

The gift of that writer’s workshop I attended has revealed to me the newest level of hope that shackled me to the images of a “better tomorrow” and the illusory nature of the conditioned minds dreams.

The only thing that prevents me from sliding backward into full scale depression, is the deep commitment I have made to learning the truth no matter how scary it might be, and the built up musculature that prevents me from traveling to far into the victim mind, out of which I made my escape.

I am not willing to live in the world of good and bad, of right and wrong, of this versus that. The relative truth is not enough for me. Having the illusion of safety and security, hiding from death, and hoping for a better tomorrow are wastes of precious time. We are in the race of our lives; anyone and everyone can sense that.

Playing the fiddle while Rome burns, is a fool’s errand.

So many among us, know and feel the urgency, with which we are faced. The globe is nearing its exhaustion point, all of our institutions are rocking on their heels, strife and pain surround even the most isolated, inoculated, and seemingly immune.

The difference between those who are activists and my own understanding, is that the battlefield is not “out there”… but rather in the deep “in here.” There is nothing in the outer that can save us, not until we are sourcing our actions from a sane and settled interior.

As I watched, and studied, and greatly loved, my Teacher … I would often be confused by his calm assurance that all manner of action can come from the deepest aspects of Being, from the still and quiet center point of non-duality.

He asserted with great confidence that an awakened warrior could continue to make war … while also being entirely compassionate, kind-hearted, and open to Life and its demands. I was not capable of understanding him at the time, as I was still too lost in the world of form, to understand that the formless world of non-duality has no opposing sides to it. That coming from non-duality a warrior could become as clear and effective a channel for the formless, to enter the world as can the potter or the carpenter.

We imagine that peace is the absence of war. That is not the case …

Peace is not the absence of some outer circumstance, but rather, the inclusion of all external experience, which thereby makes whole the heart, which in turn, bears no resistance to the many forms by which Life chooses to express.

I am struggling right now. Joy, delight, and bliss have left a memory trace, but are gone, and I am returned to the process of yielding myself to the hollowness, that comes from surrendering our beliefs. My external life cannot save me from the absolute uncertainty that is, the human experience. I cannot continue to look to an illusory future to modulate and soothe, the last vestiges of the despair that once consumed me.

I can, only and always, continue to lay down my struggle and my seeking, for some better experience in the world of form … and instead, turn my attention to ending the grasping that keeps me looking for my joy in some future event. My joy, your joy, is not in a turn of events, however sweet they might appear. Joy, the Master’s tell us, is the very nature of our Being buried so deep beneath the conditioned mind, that we can no longer hear its call.

I know the truth of that, as I have both touched it and witnessed it.

Adayre R. Miller

9/30/11

Addendum: 10/3/11

I wrote the above essay three days ago, today I awoke in a state of mind that I have never experienced before.

I feel lethargic to the point of turning to stone. I do not feel, (emotionally), classically depressed… and yet I am experiencing the hallmarks of depression.

This is the first time in my life that I have drawn a single breath without a future orientation attached to it. My “dream” has been with me for as long as I can remember, and I am clearly adrift without it. The loss I feel has called into question every thing I have learned over these past 25 years of study and dedication. I am struck by the fact that the essay I wrote, and which you have just finished reading, in some ways asks for the experience I am having at this precise moment.

Over these last few weeks, as I have tasted the sweeping breadth and depth of a No Thought mind…and the brief exposures to Joy, Delight, and Bliss that Silence has afforded me the opportunity to experience…I found it quite easy to focus my awareness on the “present moment”.

During those experiences, I felt an extraordinary aliveness that captured my attention like nothing ever has, before or since.

A few precious moments – which occurred during meditation – I could even experience the Breadth of Being that the Master’s have spoken about, and was able to fully engage the realization that my body existed inside my consciousness and NOT, the other way around. (We, most of us, believe that our consciousness is a small light filled ball that hovers, just behind our skull bone, slightly above and between our eyes.) In those precious moments I fully realized that my body, mind, consciousness, and all the other stuff of “me” resides inside some larger unknown field, this field is what my Teacher was fond of calling the Impersonal Self. (It is so much better than being a personal self, that it cannot even be expressed).

And yet, all of that wonder, awe, startling awareness, and extraordinary joy, faded over the span of two weeks or so… and if I did not trust myself to the degree that I do, I would question whether I truly had those experiences at all. (Particularly today, when I can barely function).

I can make no sense of these two bookended experiences. To taste the sublime and return too less than ash, is beyond my maturity to comprehend. I cannot ask my Teacher, his mind is gone. I cannot ask another, in the form of angels, or guides, or seers – or the like – as I do not believe in the duality that those things would require. There is not two, only One. And the One is curiously silent.

Perhaps, this is the “dark night of the Soul” that the poets speak so romantically of…

I have always believed that I had already traversed the dark night of the soul, due to the amount of terror that I have experienced and resolved. I am not at all afraid, and haven’t been for years now. Fear is not a part of this experience, but rather, some form of grief – in the form of loss – to deep to even express itself in words.

I have no ideas about where I am emotionally, spiritually, functionally, or actually.

But I do know, that the “future” has dissolved…

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