I have for a long time now, been free of the notion that the
“I” that inhabits my life is the one born of my thoughts, feelings, and
emotions.
Having fully and completely embraced the fear, that kept me
from the discovery that there is no personal self, it has liberated me to a
degree that I would not have imagined possible in my early years.
But it does not hold.
Under significant stress or the experience of rejection,
(which is my most vulnerable Achilles heel), the center reasserts itself and I
am once more a personal self…with all the concomitant woes and fevers.
A small, separated, and disturbed “person”.
I know this was not true of my Beloved Teacher and I know it
is not true of my current teacher.
For them the transcendence of the self, became a permanent and wholly
complete dropping away of the self, a condition that
serves all of humanity in the most elegant, refined, inclusive, and profoundly
beautiful way.
It was precisely the fact that my Beloved Teacher was not
possessed of a personal self that made him so incredibly alluring. His calm in the face of any and all
circumstances, his astonishing and piercing consciousness that seemed to be
capable of looking straight into the depth of my soul, was born of the
unalterable fact that he had released all forms of the personal self, and
stood, naked and pristine clothed in the glory of the All…rather than the petty
concerns and anxieties of the “self”.
Having transcended the personal self enough to know that it
does not exist, I have seen the horizon, felt its indefinable majesty, and my
heart has sung to its heavenly tune. But now, I have come to know that transcendence is not
nearly enough…it is a temporary look, a small foretaste…it is Moses stopped at
the border and only capable of viewing the promised land from afar.
I am much to mature now, to believe for even a moment that
there is something I can “do”, some strategy to apply, that will make it
possible for me to step cleanly and forever, beyond the dark illusions of the
personal self.
And I have been grieving for some time now that certain
knowledge.
Sadness and sorrow have engulfed me, as I have slowly freed
myself from the idea that I can orchestrate the release of the personal self, a
condition that had me holding on even as I was trying to let go.
I do not want what others around me want. I do not value what others around me value. I cannot speak to a single soul of the
process I am going through. My
Beloved Teacher is dead, and my current teacher is not accessible to me as he
lives on the west coast.
So I travel alone, attempting to shed the desire to control
the outcome and to await the “second coming”.
I am so much clearer now of why my Beloved Teacher spoke so
often of how the path of liberation was so utterly solitary, why Krishnamurti
proclaimed that no group on earth could be joined, that would promote the
liberation that I have fixed my sights upon.
It is not that groups are not available, as they have been
for all time. A truly liberated
soul is such a majestic and astonishing appearance that, that One will draw
others from around the globe. But
rather, it is that once transcendence has been tasted, however fleeting that
might be, then the journey can be nothing other than entirely singular.
I count myself deeply blessed that I have left behind the
notion that there is something that can be done, accomplished, or achieved,
that will liberate me and allow the freedom I know is available to enter my
life. I no longer, even for a
moment, believe the spiritual marketplace all of which offer fools gold in the
place of real value. Gone is my
desire to seek the artificial glow of recognition, and in its place is a true
willingness to surrender all and everything, for the hope that I might travel
the last few feet and cross over into the promised land of non-localized
Beingness.
As the Bible so clearly states it…”I know of myself I can do
nothing, but the Christ within can do all.”
It is an entirely misunderstood notion that the “All” is a
pouring forth of whatever the current culture deems desirable. Money, fame, achievement…pure
nonsense…the “All” of which the Bible speaks, is the return home of the lonely
soul who imagines themselves a “self” with all its unachievable desires, needs,
hopes, and dreams.
Liberation is possible.
I can only hope that I have purified my”self” enough that I
might experience it in this lifetime.
That I might breathe the free air of a soul so alive, that selfish
desires no longer enter to disturb the peace that passeth all understanding.
Adayre R. Miller
10/28/13
photo courtesy of flickr photo sharing and Rehan Shaik, to see more of this artist
work please follow this link…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/23118467@N08/3295006874/in/photolist-62aLKm-7DTnsZ-8JViZ9-4aXy1q-5SVE8N-4QidtG-8c6RWi-7sjmiG-2beCk-6go5ic-8sk9Tz-f89Nr-26E1Q3-dcm7pR-ahY6qU-drXoeb-5ypM4M-gpHtZS-a7mrKg-9z9ugV-aTcDTt-521hkq-9wyNxA-FQ5AD-3dKHiy-5SwSVp-8viNKT-d75MQu-ahLtHE-c68pPG-c68pNm-8kRGWj-8kRHcu-8kNu3t-dkScyx-55fNt2-bFVUsk-aeXwWQ-dp7KhN-gTjLHj-bfAe36-bUvHWF-aeraty-8hzQVn-8hD6zh-8hD6C7-4LbhFf-bfAdxn-dxAhit-7Pi4BG-gcN4W2#
