I have finally arrived at the end of wanting spiritual
enlightenment for something other than Itself.
It has taken a lifetime to arrive here…
You might not think it much of an accomplishment to spend 40
years attempting such an outcome, if I had known what real Awakening was, I
perhaps, may never have embarked on this long and singular adventure.
All the years of dedication, I come now to know, were
covered over with the oily film of what Waking Up would do for me, how it would
lift me up, set me on high, and make those around me, see me as special and
unique.
Now, I want only to complete the transcendence of the
personal self, not for what it will do for the me that does not exist…but
rather for what it might mean to the sentient life around me.
Today I gave away all the remnants of a life spent in the
pursuit of recognition. I took to
Goodwill all that once spoke of a woman who needed desperately to be seen,
loved, wanted, and cared about.
My furniture is piled in a haphazard pile in the middle of
my living room floor as I seek to find a simplicity that I have never before
been interested in. I want all
aspects of my life, from my home, to my clothes, to my very existence to
vibrate to the simplicity of life at the cellular level.
I want only to play host to a purified consciousness…rid of
the needs of the mind driven by aversion and desire. No longer locked in the useless seeking urgency of goals and
outcomes, I wish only for peace, calmness, purification, contemplation, and
singularity.
These are not things that I can make happen, I understand
now that only humility will invite the deepest forms of Grace. I await you Oh Lord, no longer
searching, no longer beseeching, no longer willful.
The gratitude I feel for having lived long enough to see
this day is beyond expression.
Christmas 2013
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