The last time I felt this kind of aliveness, (it isn't
excitement, or intrigue, or high interest, or high passion), was at the moment
that my mother took her last breath, March 3, 2001. A kind of all encompassing awareness, coupled with very
still and very quiet joy. The sheer split second timing that allowed the
unknown driver to careen across four lanes of traffic, directly in front of me,
and then through force of impact careen the other direction, across four lanes
of traffic and hit the opposing wall, just behind me, while also missing
several other drivers, myself included, has both a tragic, and yet, utterly
poetic nature to it. I feel as
though his or her soul's generosity, of sparing us - the witnesses - was on full
display.
Like a movie where the
main character steps through a ghost who cannot be seen, but is surely felt, I
stepped through this soul's last moment on earth. I have seen several people pass away as a volunteer chaplain
for hospice, but those people knew life was ending. The person in the late model red Volkswagon, was merely
going from here to there...and yes, I recognize the metaphor. The power of the
moment does not encourage me to build a bucket list, (something I have never
had any interest in), LIFE is not to be found on the mountaintop, or in the
Serengeti, but rather standing over the dirty dishes in the sink, or sweeping
the cobwebs up from under the bed.
My family stopped celebrating Christmas when I was six or
seven years old. The Christmas
tree never found it's way out of the box again. Christmas presents became cash that I used as I saw fit, and
in adulthood, lacking a family with which to share such a tradition, I haven't
opened a present in nearly thirty years.
(No I do not have friends that with which I exchange gifts.)
You may think me poor in relations, and perhaps I am. But I can tell you this much, I have
never received a greater gift than the one bestowed upon me by the person in
the flying red Volkswagon. And in
return, Please God, may they know, in their deepest Being, that both their gift
and their sacrifice is both known, recognized, received, and embodied.
I am forever changed.
