When Arthur, King of the Realm, sent his knights out to find
the holy grail he bade them to enter the forest, not where the path was well
worn and well used, but rather where the forest itself was darkest, deepest, densest,
and least hospitable. He
instructed them in this manner, because nothing of any real or lasting value,
can be found where we are merely comfortable, safe, secure, and at ease.
The Toa Te Ching, offers the same wisdom in this way:
Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.
Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.
Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding.
In this day of the spiritual marketplace, bulging as it
does, with promises of wealth, health, eternal growth, happiness and
“greatness” there are, sadly, so very few voices speaking this Ageless Wisdom
Truth.
The truth that the best of you is not in your “light”, but
rather in the darkest part of your soul’s shame.
My shame was and remains, that I am not loveable.
(It is highly likely that your shame is
of a similar nature, no matter how it might dress itself up, or what costume it
might wear.)
Over the course of a long lifetime of courageous commitment,
I have grown increasingly capable of sitting with myself, as I touch the periphery
of this deep shame.
In years gone by, I needed and used others, not out of care
or concern or kindness, but rather based on how well, how often, and how much,
they were willing to keep me from having to touch this deeply horrifying place
inside myself. Nowadays this is
called “holding the space” for another.
It is a lauded and valued skill…being capable of holding the space for
another’s fear, or at least we imagine it to be of value…
What if this imagination is directly opposite the
truth? What if the highest and
best one human being could do for another, is to afford them no shelter from
the storm of the conditioned mind?
This is what my Teacher did for me.
Not only did he offer no “help” from the fear I lived in,
but he did all that he could to expose me to it, in greater depth, with greater
weight, and more compelling insistence.
And now, thanks in large part to his service… I am capable of
sitting still with my shame.
It no longer takes the form and shape that it once did. There is no longer any drama, emotional
hysterics, or colorful external expressions…now it is a whisper, a soft seduction
that calls me back to a belief in the future, and the desire to be seen as
important, valuable, worthy.
Just as Silence becomes a presence in my life that I can
count upon, I find hiding beneath my interest in its appearance, an ugly
motivation.
I still need, and want to be “special”. I cannot say if I will ever be free of
this desire…I can say, with absolute certainty, that whatever measure of
suffering lies before me, it will spring from this timeworn place in me.
I recognized within myself, just today, the desire to make
use of the great gift of Silence, that has opened in me, as a means by which I
can finally procure the long sought pleasure of being worthy and valuable.
Please…before you “tsk-tsk” at me, and before you express
the desire that I should not be “so hard” on myself. Sit quietly for a moment and see if it is not your primary
motivation as well, and thus it is hard to hear it from me.
One of the conditioned minds favorite games is the game of
comparison. For you to be “great”,
to win, to achieve, to be better than, someone lower on the scale, must be the
measuring stick by which you assert this claim. Or conversely for you to be the victim, the sufferer, the
wounded one, and in that way to be
worthy of anothers time, attention, and “space holding”, this too, requires
the game of comparison. To compare
and compete is to be lost inside a child’s mind and a child’s will, to keep you
blind and broken and tethered to the search for your “good”… as the greatest
good of all… goes unseen and under experienced.
The greater good is available only to those that come fully
and cleanly into the felt sense of the higher truth which deeply understands
that, “good and bad” arise together and thus must be wholly and holy embraced.
The Tao:
When people see some things as beautiful,
then others things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.
To seek specialness, to follow those who offer it, is to
abandon oneself in the futile search for our “light filled greatness.” It is to
shackle ourselves forever, to the nightmare of Samsara, while Nirvana waits
unseen and unfelt all around us.
As I bear witness to this seductive whisper, in myself, of
the hope for a better tomorrow… at least now I well and truly know… that it
comes not from the source of me, but rather from the still broken font of
the internal shame of feeling unwanted. The prostrated and hopeless
child, who still cannot feel the love of the One.
My Teacher’s body is no longer available…but the memory of
his deep humility, his total absence of neediness, his palpable capacity for
non-resistance, and his deep presence…guides me still.
Slowly, agonizingly slowly, I can feel inside myself, the
alchemical turning of the iron ore of neediness, into the gold of
self-reliance.
Also from the Tao:
When you realize where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kindhearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
and when death comes, you are ready.
This is an accurate portrait of the One, absent any need for
specialness, for winning, for needing, for hoping and for wishing…
Who could possible want more than this…?
Adayre R. Miller
3/12/13
photo courtesy of flick photo sharing and Sara Spildener, to
see more of this artist’s work, please follow this link:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/saraspildener/4639944155/
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