Full Stop...

A student once asked Zen master Shunryu Suzuki what nirvana was and he said, “Seeing one thing through all the way to the end.” 

I had the opportunity to listen to my new teacher recently, as he opened a conference in Colorado.  The woman who started Sounds True publications accompanied him, and her role in the process was one of asking him questions, for us, the audience.  She was really good at it and very clear, his responses were equally resonant with clarity and potency.  

At the very end she asked him what his “inner” life was like.  And he proffered a most interesting response…he said, “I have no inner life”.

I had heard him say that once before, and I found it then, as now, to be such an arresting idea.  I would say if I were to guess, that my Beloved Teacher also had no “inner life”.  Think about that for a moment…can you say that you have met anyone else, in the flesh, that you believe does not have an inner life?  Most of the people I meet are so deeply engaged in their inner life, that they can’t spare you enough attention to even notice your presence, much less hear what you have to say.

He went on to say that to have an inner life, one must always be referencing what is occurring, in the (seemingly) outer, to how one feels about it, in the inner.  I was startled to realize that is exactly how my “inner” life exists.  It is a compilation, a concoction, and a compendium, of my opinions about how I feel about what is occurring as events, in the world around me.  And further, that I can see clearly that full realization would mean that the referencing he was speaking of, would stop entirely.

If we came to the place where we had no resistance to the events that populate our world, then the inner dialogue that constitutes the “I” would disappear, if that were to happen we would have no “inner life”.  Full Stop.

My Beloved Teacher spoke about that idea through the use of the old traditions by using the via negativa, the “not this”, “not that” of the ageless wisdoms.  He was always entreating us to “die” to the self so that we might be reborn anew.  My new Teacher gets right to the meat of the thing and says quite clearly, and bluntly, that the “self” does not exist.

I have come to know experientialy that is true, that there is no self.  But, what I did not understand is why… there is no self.

My Beloved Teacher would speak of giving up your opinions as a way of softly approaching the quite scary notion that “you” do not really exist.  My new teacher describes how that happened to him and for him, and it now makes perfect sense to me.

If I am no longer referencing my opinion about a given event, then in that moment “I” do not exist, and to the degree that “I” do not exist is the degree to which I cannot be harmed, hurt, rocked off center, or experience the sharp pains of seeking for a solution that can never arrive.  Herein and hereby, ends the life long search for the answer to the question… “What is wrong with me?” or “Why is this happening to me?”

I can’t think of a better nirvana than an end to those two questions…can you?

It is the only direction left that I am interested in traveling toward.

I find in my current experience the potential for that to arise.  I did not want to return to the emptiness that surrounded me for the first three years that I went without a job, while my life savings drained slowly away.  I did everything I could think of to keep my employer happy.  I gave the very best of my talent.  I did not cross or challenge her opinions or desires, I tried always to provide a right result…all to no avail.  An end to my employment was in many ways well beyond my control, and something I should have expected.

I am in the process of breaking up my home, getting rid of furniture and possessions so that I might build a studio.  I no longer have the sales outlet I had hoped for, and I can’t seem to decide what it is I hope to create, but I know that I am going to go alone toward whatever is about to arise.

I have paid dearly for the small amount of liberated consciousness that I can currently embody.  I have given up entirely the “normal” life that is the pursuit of almost everyone I meet, and now…I am willing to fully give up hope itself.

The physical relaxation alone…of not having opinions about the events that I witness…is enough to spur me forward.  I don’t know about the availability of nirvana, but I do know, and can imagine, how completely relaxing it would be to have no internal reference for external events.  

And if I can imagine it…isn’t that the first step to abiding in it?

Ronni Miller

8/26/12

photo courtesy of flikr photo sharing and Stevendepolo to see more of this artist’s work please follow this link:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stevendepolo/4550903693/