Faith is the Bridge...

“Faith is the bridge between where I am and the place God is taking me.” 

- Author Unknown

I am changing the focus of my essays, as they are needed now in ways that I could not have understood, when I began writing for the approval of others.  They will not be about my desire to understand, as currently understanding is quite low on my priority list.  They will not be about what I learned from my old teacher, or my new one.  They will be about the need to describe the bridge between “where I am and the place God is taking me”.

I have recently been laid off, again... 

My employer sent me an email offer to come in for a  “chat”; it had the tone and quality of a request for friendship, but instead it was to be a conversation about ending my employment and being laid off from her business. That chat never took place, as I was out of the office and unavailable when the request came in…so, much later that same day, I received an email that ended my employment and took with it my income stream.  And so, I am adrift again.  Pressured from all sides by poverty, and the need for the strength to face that poverty.

My feet feel like lead.  I am alone in new and much more provocative ways.

In days past, alone then as well, and even more frightened…I would soothe myself with images and internal visual movies, starring me as the returning hero.  Redemption, rescue, hope, help, the star of the show I envisioned all manner of positive outcomes.  What our culture calls, “following your dreams” and being “passionate” about your goals.

But now, older, wiser, more seasoned…I no longer rely on the capacity to visualize the future, as a means of dealing with the present.

Each day, I must rise and face myself anew.  I must discover within the will to tend to the days needs, while also feeling the anxiety that hums just below the surface, the quarter turn volume of the idea that the clock is ticking and time is running out on my capacity to feed myself, clothe myself, shelter and abide.

It is a reckless and potent choice I have made, to live in the face of my fears.  To honor the sorrow of the loss I have sustained, while deciding to cast my lot on one throw of the dice.

With the job market as bad, or worse, than it was the first time I was laid off, I have decided to shorten the trip to the cliff's edge by spending money I quite literally don’t have, to attempt a shot at the return to self-employment.

I did not succeed, financially at least, at being self employed the first 15 years I tried it.  I could attempt to parse out the reason…but why bother?  That is not what these pages are for.

If I am to be entirely alone, if I am to stand on the very precipice of the edge of a financial cliff…I might as well sing…

I have above my computer, a quote from a friend.  It is written next to a dancing woman drawn with such exuberance that she has six feet and four arms, to show the movement of her dance and the excitement of her joy.  The quote reads: 

She spoke in exclamations…now that she had found her voice.

I hope to move from the place of sorrow and anxiety that now populates my experience, to the one depicted by my many limbed and joyful dancer.

I intend to write about that journey, for my sake and mine alone…if it serves you to journey with me, I welcome the company.  If not, God Speed and Be Well.

Yours Truly,

Ronni