What Do You Believe, Grandma…?

Had lunch with my 27-year-old grand daughter recently and she casually asked me "What do you believe Grandma?" A short reference to "angels" had just preceded this question but I think she wanted to know more about what I believe other than simply "angels". Realizing that I have not shared any of the perspective I hold regarding the subject of "beliefs", not to mention the whole subject of non-duality, and knowing it could not be discussed that easily, especially in a crowded restaurant, I gave a very brief and inadequate response that I'm sure confused her and left her not knowing what question should follow that would clarify her confusion. It was left with that. However, I've decided to write a series of "letters" or "articles" on "what I believe about....". Of course, first I have to explain why I don't "believe" in anything. That I either "know it from direct experience" or I recognize it as a conditioned "belief" and I then inquire into where that originates to discover the truth that I've come to know about "beliefs". As you can see, this isn't going to be easy for me to write down, but I feel I owe it to her. She was raised in traditional Christianity and is only now questioning and opening to other perspectives. We love each other deeply so there is value in proceeding cautiously and without any overlay of "convincing" or "teaching”.... only sharing experience. Any comments you have will be welcomed.

I received the above, in the form of an email, several weeks ago. I requested and received permission of the writer to share it with you…and to explore the landscape that it speaks to, in the form of an essay.

My life’s journey, (and many re-writes), got in the way of doing so until now, but I am eager to express the response that this Grandmother’s love and dedication to truth, has brought to her relationship with her grandchild.

I point you first to her very clear understanding of the notion of “beliefs”, I don’t know that I have ever heard it said better…even from my beloved Teacher – (but of course, he was quite enigmatic as his experiences led him to know that teaching non-duality prior to ripening can be dangerous for some folk. Consider, that in Socratic times, a student was required to endure many years of total silence before they were even allowed, to begin participating in lessons.)

Back to her descriptions of beliefs… “Of course, first I have to explain why I don't ‘believe’ in anything. That I either ‘know it from direct experience’ or I recognize it as a conditioned ‘belief’ and I then inquire (into the origins of that), to discover the truth that I've come to know about ‘beliefs’.”

To “know” something by direct experience is to embody the recognition to such a degree that there is no doubt held in the mind or heart. This is the juncture between living/walking the truth of understanding, as opposed to having learned enough about it to turn it into content for the conditioned mind…or more succinctly, a “belief”.

Believing is a very useful and necessary step along the way of unfolding. It is practical and valuable, to trade in the belief that we are without worth, for one that enhances our well-being. There are sadly a great many souls who never make even this small move inward…

But to rest here, is the only loss that truly matters to the world.

The mere activity of “trading up” in our beliefs, may make us personally feel better, but it does nothing at all to heal the rift between the authentic or impersonal self, and the conditioned minds “beliefs” about who we are. In fact, the trade up to a more comfortable set of beliefs, may actually prevent or forestall the quite necessary birthing pains which are occasioned by the revelation, to the individual, of the formless that supports and sources, the world of form.

I recently met, at the writers group I have been participating in, a young woman who is writing a book about her journey from Islam to Mormonism. From her father, and his father, and his father before him…has come down traditions, of deeply held and deeply believed edicts of behavior and customs, that have quite probably lodged themselves in her DNA.

Her words, (at this time in her writing efforts), were not at all capable of conveying the fear and distress, that had to have occasioned such a large decision as trading in the precepts of Islam, for the structure of Mormonism. (Her desire to write may well be driven by the need to explore her still turbulent feelings about the shift in her beliefs, than any native talent for the written word…that said, I admire greatly her courage for taking such a bold and determined step.)

This first step along the path of unfolding the “believing” in one’s life is no small undertaking. For myself, the move from the hell fires of fundamentalist Baptist upbringing, to the “cult and devil worship”…which is how my parents saw it… of the New Age movement, set me up to not only deal with the potential of “ever- lasting-suffering-in-a-lake-of-fire”, but also near constant conflict with my family over my decision to leave the fold. It was a harrowing and very difficult time in my life, and looking back, I am often surprised that I reached escape velocity.

I found great comfort in this new way of believing, and would potentially have rested there for the remainder of my days…had it not been for my Teacher and his living embodiment of the truth of non-duality. To see for myself, the equanimity, poise, amazing assurance, confidence, and the radiance of Impersonal Love, the shear volume of serenity he possessed…allowed me to know without question, that I had not even reached the outer rim of the truth, by merely trading hell fire and brimstone, for “manifesting” and seeking.

There is nothing wrong, at all – even a little bit, with trading in an old set of beliefs for a new one…even though my young Mormon friends trade “up”, from the position of women in Islam to the position of women in Mormonism, does not seem like too much of a distance traveled to me. (But that of course, is none of my business.)

Moving from one set of beliefs to another leaves us still living behind the veil of the imagined and self-created, rather than bravely facing the unknown… naked, new, innocent, and willing.

As such, there is little to no lasting power, to be had in exchanging hell fire and brimstone for manifesting and seeking.

Ken Wilber, one of the acknowledged leaders in the field of consciousness and depth understanding, explores the development of understanding in this quote from his critique of “The Secret”. I bring it to your attention not to discuss The Secret, which I have no interest in, but rather to explore the levels of understanding that a mind can, if it chooses to do the work – and face the necessary fears – develop into as it deepens in self realization and self actualization.

Wilber, “Developmentally, if one uses a scale ranging from archaic to magic to mythic to rational to pluralistic to integral to super-integral, The Secret teaches the magical thought structures that were humanity’s leading edge, several hundred thousand years ago.”

It could be postulated that “beliefs” in general, belong to the magical and mythical stages of consciousness development.

I am often struck, while listening to the beliefs that populate the normal way of living in the mainstream, how magical in quality they are…and more, how intently and with deep fervor the believer can tolerate no deviance from the content of the belief itself.

When I rediscovered my Teacher, I too, was still lost in magical thinking. To my undying gratitude, my Teacher’s presence began to still my mind and allow me to begin releasing the need for all types of magical thinking. As Matthieu Ricard discusses in his most wonderful book, The Monk and the Philosopher, about his teacher…

“In his presence, however, I’d intuitively discovered one of the basic things about the teacher-disciple relationship, putting one’s mind in harmony with that of the teacher. Its called ‘mixing your mind with the teacher’s mind’, the teacher’s mind being wisdom and our mind being confusion. What happens is that by means of that ‘spiritual union’ you pass from confusion to wisdom. This purely contemplative process is one of the key points of Tibetan Buddhist practice.”

In my Teacher’s presence my mind consistently moved from confusion to greater harmony… absent his presence…it was very difficult for me to maintain the slow loosening of illusions, that I was so very focused upon accomplishing. In that stage of my development, I often found myself in opposition to another, as I struggled to hold onto a level of consciousness that travels in the direct face of eons of human conditioning. Namely the belief that Life lies outside us and in the forms around us, rather than in the Formless Emptiness out of which all things source. Traveling from form, to formlessness is a significant journey, fraught with manifold potential pitfalls.

So to return to our Grandmother and her love and interest in protecting her grandchild from spending decades, or even a whole lifetime hiding painfully within the cloak of “believing”, rather than stepping into the freedom of innocence.

In her letter, she takes care to point out the need for caution… “We love each other deeply, so there is value in proceeding cautiously and without any overlay of "convincing" or "teaching" .... only the sharing of experience.”

You cannot convince another, or teach another, to set off in the direction of the Unknown. Not only is that not possible, it is likely not kind…

My Teacher would often say that he had little or no interest in what we stated, but all the attention in the world for our queries. Here is the greatest wisdom… the “Teacher” cannot pursue the student, rather the student must seek out their guide and mentor, with great fidelity and commitment. We must see, feel, intuit, and become capable of discerning the ones, greater (more open) than us, who are reaching behind them to help another up the ladder of consciousness…as opposed to the marketers and sellers who populate the Spiritual landscape today, and are selling a product.

So how can a loving Grandmother, gently guide a beloved one?

Patience, perspective, quietness, creativity, and openness are all needed. Time to unfold, opportunity to investigate, willingness and the courage to allow them to suffer a divided mind without intervention, along with great resolve and determined availability…and even with all of this and more…the opportunity may never come again.

To live naked, in Life’s ever flowing stream of events and subsequent experiences, is to come to a total and complete Trust in the process that each and every soul is traveling in, and through.

Only great Love can occasion such Trust…

So, finally, we can only wait in prepared anticipation for the moment that brings the question, which in turn opens the door, and allows inner radiance to shine upon all who enter.

(The following paragraphs were written many days after the opening portion of this essay, please forgive me if it sounds disjointed, as I continue my exploration of this idea…)

I have been writing, and re-writing this essay for a good long while now…it seems that addressing it’s central premise, which is, can we help another into the realms of the Impersonal without also doing damage to them? I find that I don’t really have a good enough notion to submit, which is I am sure, why this essay has been sitting on my desktop awaiting publication.

For years and years, I would watch my Teacher as someone would contest his assertion that Life is best – when lived free of believing, free of the personal, free of seeking, free of wanting, free of the pursuit of the future, of greatness, of personal power. Without fail, he would listen patiently to their occasionally heated argument, and it seemed to me, he would assess their openness to the exploration of what they feared most… and then would reply or not, based on that assessment. Sometimes he would say nothing at all, in response to their demand. Sometimes he would gently challenge. Occasionally, as with me, he would poke or prod, until my face was aflame and my hair nearly on fire. (I learned in time to not speak up if I couldn’t handle, on that particular day, his effect on me… and by the way, no one else would have judged his responses to me in anyway inflammatory, that was part of his genius).

No matter how intense or direct or deeply revealing his effect on me was, I knew even as I was sitting in the fire of his innocence, that I was being cleansed and was abundantly and deeply grateful for it…

It was quite shocking to me, when the day came, that his presence no longer made me feel like I was burning in the revelations that he occasioned in me… burning with the awareness, that all that I desired was deeply emotionally immature and motivated by self aggrandizement. All the moves that I made to seem important, talented, intelligent, and knowing…were all exposed to me, in his presence, and I felt the fool most of the time.

This is not an experience someone would choose, who wants their “spiritual” teacher to make them “feel good” about themselves. But, I am sure, you have no doubt about how much gratitude and Agape Love I hold for him…so why and how, could a Teacher of non-duality bring about such an unusual circumstance.

It is a union; a Teacher freed of the personal self with a student ready and willing, to be burned free.

It is quite possible to sit with a non-duality Teacher merely, and only, because they make you feel quite safe. Their trust is so absolute that it fills the room, and causes something deep within you to relax…even if you don’t truly desire to embark upon the journey of releasing the personal self.

I am not sure that I have directly explored the notion of when, or if, or how, to express to another the value of the Impersonal Life. I suppose it comes down to the realization that it cannot be expressed in the traditional sense of the word.

My Teacher gave many lessons on the difference between sharable and non-sharable energy. His premise was that to support someone in feeling good about their personal self is a non-sharable energy, and as such can do nothing to move humanity toward greater evolution, or development, or understanding, on the other hand to awaken the Impersonal Life within…is to share an energy that reverberates throughout the entire cosmos. I feel the truth in that, which is why I bend my will to the purification of my own mind and heart, rather than to activities designed to “help” in the world of form.

I do not know if this essay will in any way support a grandmother in pointing out a doorway that her beloved granddaughter may choose to one day walk through. I do know that “sharable” energy is my focus, and toward that end I have written these words…

Adayre R. Miller

10/4/11

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